Death by Female. That's the tongue-in-cheek phrase I've adopted to describe the type of man who tends to read my newsletters.
Hey, it's David.
Here's the scenario that we all know so well:
Somehow, someway, somewhere along the way you've been made aware that things aren't right. She's not happy. She's doesn't talk to you or look at you like before.
Her cold, dismissive and often disrespectful attitude toward you feels like a daily dagger in the gut.
The new friends, new tattoo, new smoking habit, new social calendar, and missing wedding rings are just a few of the clues jacking with your confidence.
Then she utters, I think we need time apart. I need space. Maybe we're not right for each other. (you can add on your own favorites).
Why do so many men (I raise my hand) live their lives so focused on doing what's needed to keep others happy without really taking care of ourselves?
Why do we blindly keep our nose on the grindstone, providing money, support and all the things "good guys" are supposed to and still wind up oblivious to the fact our women are slowly detaching from us, the marriage and the vows we thought would protect us from this?
We don't know what we don't know.
It's called unconscious incompetence.
Being a great man, a great husband, a great father, and a great lover are not things we learn in school. We use whatever information is passed down from the men in our lives and the social programming we've received along the way.
This information is highly flawed. And nobody told you.
For example, there are hundreds of experts out there trying to help you SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Many of them claim you need counseling, communication, and compromise to rebuild the connection, trust, and intimacy you want.
When it comes to the stage of I, love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore that advice is a colossal waste of time. There is no amount of increased talking and negotiating that will help you. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Genuine desire can NEVER be negotiated.
So forget counseling.
I've created dozens of videos, articles, and newsletters trying to help you understand this. At this stage of your marriage, there are some very definite things you need to START doing and things you must STOP doing. I'll get to that in a second.
You are not a victim of circumstances, and you must quickly learn to eliminate that mindset if you want to get through this like the confident, strong, cool-headed man you are at your core.
Here's what needs to happen:
- Start becoming the kind of person YOU would like to be around all the time (and consequently who she would like to be around.)
- Don't use your wife's mood as a barometer for your own. Set the tone yourself and make it upbeat and cheerful - no matter how you "feel." You get to choose how you experience things. Don't push or fake it. Adopt an attitude that you are resilient enough to not be pulled down by her.
- Don't follow your wife around like a puppy dog trying to get her attention or asking for reassurance. Don't whine and pout to try to get her to feel sorry for you or comfort you.
- If it feels at all like pursuing, don't do it. Chasing her will only make her move farther away.
- Pull a Copernicus: she is no longer the center of your universe (and she never should have been). Put things in their proper place. Get out of her orbit. Move out of her frame.
- Make plans - go out with friends, go to church, go to a concert. Don't wait for your wife to create a life for you. You can invite her to join if you would like but don't act as if you'll change your plans if she doesn't come along.
- Don't call and text unless you absolutely have to. If she calls you be polite, but don't ask questions. Keep your answers impersonal but interested. Be the one to end the conversation first.
- Do not get angry or nasty. Do not lose your cool. Don't be baited into a fight. Leave the room or house if you have to. Keep your response in the first person, "I'm not willing to fight with you." Instead of "Stop trying to start a fight."
- Do not argue - especially about the way she feels. Don't try to justify yourself to her.
- You have a burning desire to know WHY? Don't try to get her to explain it to you! She doesn't really know, even if she says she does.
- She may not show you any emotion during this time. Don't let that bother you. Don't accuse her of being an ice queen. She's been grieving and crying longer than you can imagine.
- You might be tempted to talk to anyone and everyone in order to get comfort, information, and support. Do not talk to her family or friends. Take It To The Men.
- Do not point out your changes to your wife. Be consistent in your actions and let them speak for you. Show her a new, confident, fun, attractive you.
- Take care of yourself physically. Up your personal game.
I know it's a lot. What you really is to go through a personal shift, and that's what I can give you.
If you can give me a few hours of your time, I can fundamentally change the way you look at your relationships. I can give you the eyes to see where you went wrong in the past and the clarity to know what to do in the future to make sure that you always win.
Make the shift here.
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